| (no subject) |
[Jan. 4th, 2008|02:05 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | explosions in the sky - remember me as a time of day | ] |
slowly coming to grips with the scratchings behind my bedroom walls. not so easily coming to grips with the fact that no matter what i do or what i fail, if i lie and how much, i will always be my mother's son. she will always be sitting in the corner of a kitchen she was ashamed to call her own, gently pushing me, holding my tiny hands, marveling step by wobbly step, but more important than anything, watching me fall. and still calling me her son. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 2nd, 2008|06:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | converge - fault and fracture | ] |
if i changed one thing for every day of the fucking year there will never be time to die young and pretty i still pity the insecure structured and fucked this is my leap year. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 17th, 2007|04:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | defiance, ohio - the list | ] |
everything is so different. out of school, at least for awhile. me and tyler living "hard times" to the fullest, losing weight and saving money. cleaning a lot, found a great new job, finding great new recipes, planning a monster trip to chicago with alex, recording passwords in the bathroom. talked to mom today, coming to terms with my own failings. everything with alex really couldn't be better, i feel so at home with her.
i feel welcome everywhere i go. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 3rd, 2007|01:18 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | desert city soundtrack - let's throw knives | ] |
judas disappeared, pulled a christ and miraculously returned three days later. how fitting. alex came surprise me; jumped clear out my seat, she stayed the night despite the best of intentions.
my two favorite things in the world!
i was going to post a boob joke here, feel free to make up your own. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 26th, 2007|08:41 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | el perro del mar - party | ] |
you love white veins you love hard grey the heaviest weight the clumsiest shape the earthiest smell the hollowest tone you love a stone.
i guess more than anything i just feel inadequate, and i know that sounds like just whining and i'm trying really hard NOT to be negative but i guess i just spent too long running from my problems and picked the worst time in the world to face them all, i honestly at this point would rather never see my parents again than ever face them with bad news, i'm not sure if that's their fault for being hard on me or my fault for being a girl about everything, probably a little bit of both. i feel heavy and crumbly and like i should go inside my hole and wait this one out, but i guess things only get worse while you're in your hole hiding from them. i feel like there's heavy anvils on my back labeled 'guilt' 'wasted potential' 'why?'. i wish i was five years old again, i wish for one more approving look from you, one more sly hidden smile that said louder than anything 'this is my son and he's something really special' i wish for one more warm dusty west texas morning waking up knowing my family was proud of me, i wish for one more west texas night hiding from you screaming 'come find me!' before bradley found all the bottles in your car, before i realized you weren't just being silly, before i started fearing you more than i could ever love you. i wish you'd never sent me that letter, i wish you'd never HAD to send me a letter, but more than anything i wish i could say i would be a better father.
i can't.
it's hard, it's heavy, normally i am a positive guy but i guess everyone has their good mornings and their bad mornings, right? i have a lot to be happy about, good friends, good music, good times, you, but i guess it's easy to lose sight of that under pressure. the overwhelming truth is inside every single bit-lip smile and behind every single stare that lingers long enough for you to ask what i'm thinking and that truth is most of the time 'this couldn't be any more right' and some other times 'i haven't felt this much at home since i was five years old'. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2007|01:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | page france - windy | ] |
you're barely through the door and i'm wishing for wednesday. so yeah, i'd say it's going pretty well. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2007|08:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | no kilter - space raiders | ] |
this feels right. really really right. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 12th, 2007|01:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | cat power - colors and the kids | ] |
my thumbs your pockets secret winks behind secret glasses not being able to shake the smiles but not really wanting to try morse code: 'i feel like being optimistic is more about being happy with where you are then where you're about to be and god am i ever optimistic' |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2007|05:28 pm] |
terribly happy, good vibes are everywhere, weather's perfect to match the weekends. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 25th, 2007|12:02 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | converge - no heroes | ] |
reunited with the high now FINALLY. writing/getting letters. nine days. |
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